How to Hack

1337 warriors h4x0ring guide

bringing this back

Hello there and welcome to this useful guide on how to be THE BEST HACKING DUDE LIVING ON PLANET EARTH AND THE WEST SIDE OF THE UNIVERSE, EVER!

Yes, I might show you how to do this. We’ll enter a world of super computers, fancy and technically advanced words as router, cable, download or even mouse pad if we’re advanced enough. Be ready because you’ll receive so much information during this knowledge trip that your eyelids are going to burn, your eyes are going to bleed and you also might suffer some kind of desire to eat candies stolen from a little 7 years old girl in a cute pink dress with polka dots.

You might ask yourself questions like “What’s a hacker?” “How do I do to become a hacker?” “What’s the best: a PC, a Mac or a Linux?” “What are you doing in my freezer?” or “Who’s this guy thinking he knows how to hack?” Believe it or not, I’ll answer some of these questions by now!

1. Who am I: A short biography

On February 29, 1988, was born a handsome baby with beautiful eyes, absolutely magnificent hair and an incredible intelligence that would change the face of the world for sure: when the doctor got the baby out, he was already reading the New York Times. I’m born the day after him, February 30, 1983. I’ve got a computer scientist diploma from the Steve Balmer University. I worked hard to get it. You don’t know how many dicks I needed to suck to get where I am today. I know many of the scripting codes, like HTML, DHTML, XHTML, C++, mIRC, PHP, Perl, ASCII, Javascript, 1337 and Morse code. I worked with Al Gore, when he invented Interweb 15 years before my birth. I know everything about computers: what’s the best for you and I, what’s an IP address, and so on. You still doubt I am great? Well let me tell you that I watched the movie hackers with Angelina Jolie so I perfectly know how to DOS other people’s computers with notepad. I am a pro in computers. All this writing turns me on. Let’s continue with the real stuff.

2. What’s a computer and how does it works?

Computers are nature’s wonders. Computers are machines that can or can’t be programmed to manipulate a lot of symbols. They can perform a lot of procedures, which are complex, repetitive and/or awesome. They do it quickly, and they can store things and porn under the name of “data”. The Physical components from which a computer is constructed are mostly electric circuits, input/output devices, CPU, memory, love and joy. These parts are mostly known as “hardware”. The CPU executes software. It can also execute bold text, and that is awesome. The I/O devices are the most useful things in h4x0ring, because they allow communication with the outside world. I won’t talk about the memory, as it isn’t an important part of the computer world.

3. What is 1337?

Now that you are almost as good as me in understanding the magic of computers, you can consider yourself as an advanced user. To become a pro, you need to know the basics of being a pro. Pros invented their own scripting language, and you’re going to learn it. They script with 1337, standing for leet. If you want to be a hacker, you got to speak 1337. Every cool hacker does it. If you go on a forum, they instantly ban you for not speaking 1337. You must do it. You don’t choose if you do it or not: you do it and that’s all. Anyway, girls actually love guys speaking 1337. Go in any chat room, ask “ASL” and then write “I’m 1337” and every girl or guy saying he is a girl are going to PM you and ask you if you want to cyber. Oh, and expressions like “lol”, “rofl” or “brb” always will make you more popular.

4. Dressing like a hacker:

Hackers usually dress differently than other people, because they are cool and chill and various other rappers expressions about low temperature. Trousers are an essential part of every hacker’s wardrobe. Trousers make you look serious. Somebody seeing you in front of your computer while you wear trousers is certainly going to say “Hot Jesus, this guy is serious stuff, you know.” You might also want to wear a tie. The longer the tie is, the better your skills are. A clean Jacket will also be needed when you work in front of your computer. A collarless shirt might be worn under it, but you know… nobody’s going to notice it. The final touch: wearing fur underwear. Here’s a picture of a man who’s probably the best hacker in the world.

Probable best hacker ever

5. Choose your Hacker name

The hacking screen name you chose is the most important part of hacking, along with 46 millions of other things. The nickname you’ll choose is the thing that let other fear you with more ease. Good names usually have the words “Killer”, “1337” and various numbers, “Xtreme” and such other evil things. Here’s a list of good and bad nicknames.


•Aciid bu5t0r
•hex flAsh0r
•flAming ph3wl
•auToeXeC w0rm



6. The tools of the trade: What kind of console you want

You now have to choose the tools of your hacking. Let’s see the best of best on what kind of hacking console to use. First of all, you have Windows XP consoles. However, to hack with style, use Windows XP Pro. Another choice offered is coming from Mac. Their computers are transparent, so I believe they permit you to see what’s going in your computer and let you catch any intruder more easily. Finally, you have Linux, but Linux must be shit, because their logo is a stupid ass penguin. The source code is free, so I think it means it’s cheap, and it makes me think it’s a low quality product. You’ll look like a real clown on Interweb with a shitty Linux system, so I suggest you buy a Mac or a Windows computer. If you don’t have the money to buy them, try to download them from Internet. The best would be a Mac XP. If I’m right, and I’m sure I am, you can take a Mac and install XP in it so it will be great for hacking.

7. The software to download

In order to be THE BEST HACKING DUDE LIVING ON PLANET EARTH AND THE WEST SIDE OF THE UNIVERSE, EVER! ™ , you’ve got to download a few programs to help you. The first program is Mozilla firefox. It’s almost as good as Netscape, but the logo’s better. Firefox isn’t the best though: AOL is probably the best browser for hackers. The installation disks are delivered at home without even asking for them, and if you want, you can still download them via Interweb. You’ll also need to get MsWord, as it is useful to write threats, html codes or program stuff. Its stability makes it a great tool for anybody wanting to scare the shit out of somebody. MsPaint also does a great job to draw graphics and schemes of computer, illustrate your threats or draw some nice looking desktops. You’ll need to download a floppy drive and a few floppy disks. I’ll explain to you later, when we’ll hack together for the first time. Then you’ll need Notepad. Notepad is THE awesomeness. It’s the program that’s going to make you a great hacker. With notepad, you can write every kind of programs you need and it’s used for the most sophisticated stuff on your computer. As an example, when you go on Interweb, you can right-click on a page and click “view page source code”. It opens notepad. Here we see how awesome it is. Any file on the computer can be opened with it. Some users are so good they secretly change the extensions to things like gif or mp3. If you change them back to txt, you’ll see they invented their own languages with letters that are not on the keyboard!

8. Hacking your first computer

Ok, get ready because we’re going to really hack computers! First of all, you must delete some files that are not letting you hack. Search for run32.dll and then delete it for good. Run your floppy disc, because it will act like a firewall and block everybody else. Now open Microsoft Word. Write something like “Dear you, I hate you and I hope your computer and you will burn in hell. Sincerely yours, “awesome nickname here””. Save this file under the name of WrittenThreat.doc

Open the notepad. Write this command: “Hack IP Address”. From my limitless experience approved by Jesus himself, this address permits you to hack everybody using Internets all at once. Then you might want to write something like “Attach File WrittenThreat.doc”: It’s the business card you attach to your hack. You need to do this kind of business card, unless you already have a real business card and you fax it to the people you hack… but I don’t believe it’s useful as you’re hacking EVERYBODY all at once and you would need to type a lot of fax numbers. Anyway, you need a business card to let people who you are, so you are recognized and feared.

Before sending it, you may want to be a bit destructive, so you just have to write in the notepad “Send Virus: Yes”. This is it, you are a hacker. Now press “Enter” to hack everybody using the Internets. Congratulations, you just successfully hacked with your floppy and notepad. If it didn’t work, you may have written something wrong or you made a typography error. Also, make sure you are connected to Interweb: many people download this file and are not connected. This results in a miserable failure.


13 Responses

  1. AHAHAH sa t’as prit comment de temps écrire toute sa!!!!!!

  2. J’ai du écrire ça y’a un peu plus qu’un an ou 2. Ça a du prendre un après-midi.

  3. hello man, pls i really do need too learn how too hack coz i heard they are called computer genius .

  4. sammy you’re my hero : I

  5. i want to hack my friend. i know his ip address can you tell me how

  6. your the best man thanks a lot.

  7. y0ur c00L Sammy!
    Y0u R0cK

  8. Hi, i saw you referred to be in your thread you sacraligous scum!

    JPing around, i like your post and i find the 2-3 comments saying ‘plz, i rly need to learn to hack’ showing the people who must not of read a single god—- word you wrote amusing.

    Rock on man, and considering this is quite the opposite of what i was searching for on google, do me a favor and

    H4C|{ TH3/\/\ 2 PL0XIEZZZZ

    lol, cya around.

  9. Hi, I just wanted to say thanks for the tutorial, i learned quite abit from it see’ing as i was searching for something quite diffrent. Oh yes you other users who are saying
    “Please teach me to hack” why dont you try reading the document and actually try to learn something instead of asking silly questions all the time and allways wanted the answer without giving anything ago first.

    Anyway thanks again for the tutorial.

  10. lmao… this is hilarious… I wonder how people is gonna reach the last parts of this wonderful tutorial if they actually manage to ruin run32… lol!


  11. Very useful and informative blog. Recommended for all to see.

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  13. Aces and jewels you hackless hack. Great stuff. Great stuff.

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